Journal Entry (2016): Limahl
On 5 January 2016 I wrote a journal entry about a series of dreams that I had. I remember writing about the dreams because I felt that the dreams had been part of some breakthrough I had made in the abilities of my own mind. I had woken up to my alarm but hit the snooze button and returned right back into the same dream series. In my journal entry I wrote that I remembered the dream sequences starting with me watching an HBO style show, something like The Wire. It involved two men sitting at a table and coming to some sort of agreement or reaching the end of a negotiation aimed at a truce. There is some sort of betrayal/ double cross and the guy that had originally come to the table with peace terms is killed by the other man. The remaining man is not liked by the other characters, however, everyone goes along with him since the other guy is dead, along with the deal for peace. After that point, I realize that I am not watching the show but am in it, or I had been the whole time but at this point realized I am a part of everything that is going on. I try to get out of the building without being caught by the police or any of the other characters. I crawled out a window and made my way down to the street. I don’t know if I forgot what happened next or if there was no transition but my journal entry says “Fast forward” and indicates that I’m now in an apartment or loft studio type of setting and my friends are being stabbed to death. I’m trying to climb up to the upper loft area because my pregnant friend has been dragged up there after one of my other friends has been cut into a mess. Before I can pull myself all the way up to the upper level, I can hear, and then see her stomach getting punched full of knife holes as I crawled up and over the edge. The area I now enter is a kitchen and I retrieve a knife and begin stabbing and cutting but no matter who I stab or where I stab them, they don’t die. I am unable to stop them from attacking or moving how they want. In my journal I note that I often have dreams where I can’t cut or stab someone deep enough to stop them. At that point in the dream, I turn to one of the other attackers. I note in my journal that I turned away from the “main” one that I had been struggling with, who had cut my arms while I pushed a knife into him. I drive the blade down into the “not main” one that I turn to face, and as I look at his head, I tell myself that I can cut this one. His head splits. His skull falls open and looks like a scientific diagram. No blood but his skull is split cleanly in two and I can see his brain, smooth as glass where it has been dissected. Everyone stops. I look at him and realize that I had made the cut but more than that the cut stayed. He stayed as he was. I look around and everyone stands up, backing away. I noted in my journal that at this time my dead friends were somewhere out of my peripheral vision but I could feel that they were not dead. Three men now stand in front of me. I look at the blade in my hand and I laugh. I smile. I know I’m dreaming and I tell them I know it is a dream and ask them who they are. I know they are from my own mind. I know they only interact as part of my thoughts. I ask where they had come from in my mind and why they are here. I tell them I know they have to answer me because they’re made of my thoughts. The one I had split the head of comes forward and asks if I really think I am in control of what is happening or of what they will do. I smile and begin to levitate. I lift myself up and rise all the way to the ceiling, hovering in one place. Holding myself there with only the thought of doing so. I noted in my journal that since I was 6 years old, I hadn’t been able to fly in my dreams without flapping my arms. Even now, I can recall the exact dream where I stopped being able to fly in the same way I had seen in Peter Pan. I lived on base housing and in that dream had been in front of our house zooming through the air, doing loops. I can’t remember why but something happened in that dream where when I tried to fly in the same way, I was no longer able and could only achieve weak and temporary lift by flapping my arms and the more frantically I flapped them the lower I would fall. It became a consistent handicap in my dreams when I was trying to escape someone or something. Sometimes I would be able to get enough lift to get off the ground or enough to travel from one roof top to another but it was never again high or fast enough to escape cleanly. But at this time in my dream, I rose effortlessly above their heads to the ceiling and I smiled. They were in my dream, we weren’t in my nightmare. He (the one that I had split the head of) rose to levitate also and I smile. I tell him he’s not in control and watch him crumple as I use my thoughts to fling him off the loft into a space that shrinks into nothing. I come back down and walk to the main one. I tell him I am very excited, I know they have something to tell me and that they have to. I can hear my own thoughts. He smiles each time I ask a question and turns to address the other guy. At one point it is as if the audio cuts out while he is speaking. In my journal I wrote that maybe I was answering my own questions. They were from my own mind and they didn’t have anything more than what I know. Knowing they were in my head and dream and that I wasn’t trapped there with no control, was my first dream win. I remembered that in the dream I had this great feeling of clarity as if there had been a looming fog I was able to clear from my mind.